There and back again.

Hello all. It’s been a while since I’ve written here. A lot has changed in ways I never could have guessed just a few short years ago. My wife and I have bought a house and started a family. That’s right, I’m a dad to an adorable one year old. It’s always been something I’ve wanted. I love my parents, and there is so much they’ve done for me, but I sometimes wonder what things would look like if they had done things differently. I guess I’ll find out as I raise my little girl.

All this comes with its own challenges. We were lucky to find a house with what need in our price range, but every little thing that can go wrong seems to be going wrong. Add in the cost of daycare and it’s a nightmare. We’re working on improving our lot, but it can feel insurmountable at times.

While we’re here in the dark thoughts, when we were last here 3 years ago, I’d just lost my maternal grandmother. Since then, my maternal grandfather has also passed, and just two weeks ago my paternal grandmother went to meet god as well. Overall, they lived long and happy lives, and I’m grateful for the time I had with them. But that doesn’t make it any easier to have to say goodbye to someone you love.

My Nana ‘Nette was a sweet woman, with a feisty sense of humor. She had a deep love of her religion, her husband, and her family. She was loving, and kind, but also the only one of my grandparents to call me an idiot. To be fair, I was a kid standing on a giant ice rock, likely to fall and break something.

I remember going to her house after school, and despite me talking a mile a minute about what I did, she at least pretended to listen to the ramblings of a hyperactive boy.

She was also my first challenge to changing world views. I loved my grandmother, but it’s no secret that as I got older, I disagreed with her more and more often. Eventually, we stopped talking about anything deeper than what was superficially going on in my life.

For the better part of two decades, I’ve missed being able to just spew every little thought in my head as my grandmother smiles and nods at the strange ideas of her grandson. Though to be fair to her, I’m sure she also missed the little boy who would talk about outlandish ideas with her when he got the chance after church.

The last few years have been the toughest. We’ve all had to watch as her mind turned on her and slowly, I saw the recognition of who I am fade from her eyes.

She was the last of her siblings to pass, another testament to her stubbornness. My grandfather has been beside himself, as the woman he pledged his life to for over 60 years is just gone. He’s got all of us, so I’m sure he’ll do better in time, but I’m not even sure how one begins to heal from such a huge hole in your life.

Despite the disagreements, I hope I show the best parts of her. The best parts of all my grandparents. In much the same way, I hope my daughter takes the best parts of me and my wife, and learns to let the flaws fade away as she grows.

If my Nana taught me anything, it’s to be kind, cook good food, and call someone an idiot before they hurt themselves.


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